Weather – Another Hot Topic

Where has weather gone? What happened to it? It was here every day up until a few years ago, now it’s presence is sporadic. Surely everyone over the age of fifteen can remember weather. It was the perennial conversation starter or in some situations, the whole conversation. Everyday friends and neighbours would give us the weather forecast. Nice day. Bit wet. Wind’s nippy. People accepted the given weather conditions on any one day.

Sure they may not have liked it because rain can have a dampening effect on everything, especially the mood of golfers, but it didn’t stop real men from playing football. Rain was needed, be it somewhere else.

Rain fell as ‘a nice drop’, ‘can’t be too much’ or ‘more than we need, but somewhere or someone will need it’. Yep, even floods were accepted as nature’s way of self correction. Did some good as well. Sure some drowned, houses were lost and crops and cattle were ruined, but floods sorted out the strong swimmers from the weak, the smart from the dumb, forced housing onto higher, safer ground and upped the prices of produce and we know who that helped.

Droughts always started out as ‘a nice day’, crept along to ‘a bit warm’ then ‘bloody hot’. Eventually it cooked the thermometer into boiling, and left a man with only one thing to do - ‘have another beer.’ Woman, being born martyrs, reluctantly accepted it was too hot to tan, and bravely dealt with the adversity of whinging kids, higher prices of produce and idle men drinking beer because it was too hot to do anything else.

At that time, large supermarket chains paid Weather a commission for the extra profits they attained through weather induced ‘natural disasters’. This contracted connection allowed Weather little recognition but when the heat was on or the consumer was drowning in debt to feed their families; Weather was left to weather the blame.

So where did that weather go? Out the door with commonsense to attend an Al Gore convention. In Gore, it saw itself. There was some commonality, both are unreliable, full of piss and wind and had the knack of turning up when they were least wanted. Like Al, Weather too didn’t like being taken for granted. Hell, no matter what happened anywhere in the world, it was there. Behind all good and bad news items, weather was in the background, unmentioned and taken for granted. Remember seeing Al poking his head out behind Clinton. No. That’s because Clinton’s smile was so big at the time, a lot of people were dazzled. Now we know what he was smiling about, and poor Al missed out there as well. So Al and Weather wanted more recognition.

Having on several occasions had his parade rained on and a belief that the sun shone out his arse, Al and weather were no strangers to each other. Al being a simple man found Weather a little complicated to understand and sought help from Google. Terms such as ‘atmospheric pressures’ were new to him, although his forays into politics gave him an understanding of what it meant. Here was the opportunity for his political ability’s to again serve him as recklessly as they had done before.

Politics is about prevarication and generalisation. Applying this to Weather was easy. Take the truth that weather changes itself and the environment then give it a broader scope, to lessen the likelihood of having to prove any understanding or knowledge of the intricacies of the subject. Thus Climate Change, now Weather in drag, hit the media.

Under this new name and with Al Gore as it’s manager, Climate Change hit the headlines and both got the much craved for attention, with neither having to do anything different. It still rains and snows and there is sun and wind and Al looks straight at the camera and speaks with complete honesty, or his perception of it, and shows his capabilities as a leader.

I for one however miss Weather. For hundreds of thousands of years, Weather and Nature were the perfect couple. Together they wreaked cyclical changes of monumental proportions upon the earth making it the perfect environment for man to continually adapt to survive. Now Al has stabbed Weather in the back. As Climate Change, Weather is not in control, man is. No longer are temperature changes simply a result of the current weather pattern. No, it is a result of fornication between man and weather. No wonder Nature is pissed off.

If we were to accept the notion that man and his industrial revolution is so great that it has made the once formidable Weather a eunuch, then let’s dispense with God. (Don’t get excited Al, I said dispense, not replace.)

The truth is, this isn't an anti Al Gore piece. I know little of Al Gore other than people associate him with Climate Change and it is expedient to have someone to poke fun at. He was but one mouth in the Clinton era and Monica Lewinsky showed us how important mouths are in taking a positive action in politics, and she wasn’t even standing at the time.

It is true however, that I refuse to accept Weather as being anything else but what God intended. A life partner for Nature to test man’s ability to survive and to reward him for fortitude. I do not believe our industrial development is more decimating than volcanic eruptions on weather patterns. I am willing to concede that man’s changing lifestyle may have a minimal effect. However, I am not willing to pay the tax the Australian Government seems to think will erase a carbon footprint. Instead I trust Nature to utilise that carbon footprint as a stepping stone to another cyclical change, which man and machines was never going to stop.

So let me tell you about the weather in South Australia, “It’s a nice day. Wind’s a bit fresh and we could use some rain, but those poor buggers up in Queensland are copping the lot and in the middle of floods. Still, the water will eventually flow down the river systems into the Murray and set things to right because nature takes care of her own in her own good time.”



©Suu 2010

For Medicinal Purposes Only

There is a well worn joke about imbibing alcohol for medicinal purposes only. This is usually acknowledged with a smile, wink and nudge and the consuming of a great deal of ‘medicine’.

As someone who’s health ebbs and flows, I believe that alcohol is a medicine, not as a curative, but as a tonic.

Two to three glasses of alcohol can very effectively remove the thin veneer donned to make those around us feel comfortable. As the burden of the need for social acceptance is lifted, so too is the guarded weight on our tongue. Buoyant, we are then able to relax and be ourselves, as ugly and horrible as that may be, but we are not alone. Like attracts like, and we soon find ourselves amid other socially nude like minded spirits, no pun intended.

Alcohol removes the blinkers and allows us to see that the people we try to emulate are really anally retentive and so deserve to be the butt of many jokes. Jokes result in laughter, laughter releases endorphins and endorphins are extremely good for our health and well being. So those that remain sober do not get to benefit from this powerfully, energising rush of little endorphs sweeping doom and gloom before them, leaving silly smiles of bonhomie on flushed faces.

As a tonic, alcohol is extremely good at cleansing. Doctors use it for sterilising, so it does have AMA approval. However it is in the cleansing of bullshit from one’s mouth that alcohol has no other peer. Verbal diarrhoea allows us to rid ourselves of lies, exaggerations and fantasies which tend to fester into incurable aberrations if not expelled regularly.

The gregarious sounds of the aforementioned verbiage, while therapeutic to the body, has a well known side affect. One unknowingly enters a competition. Bullshit Artist of the Night. The subtlety of the contest, is that you only become aware of your active participation through bagging from fellow contestants or, an argument with your partner. There is always some confusion in the following days, as all participants memories are distorted and have little in common with what you know transpired. It should be noted that beer is the drink that works best on these occasions.

I personally prefer to consume wine in quiet solitude. It is at this time one can truly appreciate the uniqueness of the ministering effect of wine or spirits. While I am loath to suggest that wine and spirits attract a more educated drinker (Methylated spirits excluded), there are few beer connoisseurs of note.

The aeration of beer, as seen in the froth, causes the alcohol to slosh around the brain in an agitating motion, affecting nerve ends and brain cells randomly. This results in the drinker becoming proportionally more incoherent with the amount of beer consumed. Some Champagnes have the same affect.

Wine and spirits on the other hand, are more full bodied, smoother and there have been incidents where inhalation was as equally effective as a small sip. The alcohol in these drinks, caresses the brain into a relaxing state. So slow does the alcohol pass over the brains surface, osmosis takes place providing a liquid artery to the deep recesses of the mind. Here a miracle takes place. Through that thin trickle, dormant ideas and thoughts rise to the surface.

Sitting alone with glass in hand, the astute drinker will find they now have access to previously untapped information. In the right environment and the appropriate amount of alcohol, it is possible to solve all the world’s problems with a simplicity that defies logic. The cerebral level at which we assess our past and our future is enlightening, and many plans are made. It is important at this time to record these thoughts and plans.

When asleep, the brain is active with REM, dreams and reacting to bouts of apnoea. Such activities cause dehydration, and without the continued intake of the alcohol to offset this drying out process, the brain shrinks and tightens. In a bid to protect itself, the brain shuts off the links established the previous evening. Leaving you to waken with no memory of the deep and meaningful thoughts that confirmed your true potential as problem solver extraordinaire.

Beer drinkers find that by getting back into the elbow bending, they can quickly regain their own state of personal notoriety.

More discerning drinkers cannot be so casual in trying to regain the heady level of omnipotence. Unfortunately, when the alcoholic links bring our deepest thoughts to the surface for our contemplative study, they cannot be returned. So it is that after years of such mind searching, that it takes an increasing amount of alcohol to reach further in search of the proportionately increasingly elusive ideas

However, there are side effects to most things. With food it is calories or allergies and with fitness it is tanning lotions and cardiac arrest. With aging it is more wrinkles, stomach, flatulence and grumpiness, and less tolerance, ability and memory.

There is no argument that the consumption of alcohol can cause negative behavioural changes, increase our perception of our own invincibility and erase brain cells. While the latter may make us eligible for the invalid pension it is the least of my worries. The world is a mess and getting worse. I am not drinking more to escape the realities of that world, nor am I drinking less to be able to deal with those realities.

When quietly contemplating life in the comfort of my home with a nice wine (it takes a little longer with a not so nice one), I enjoy the moment of NOW. It is a time when I don’t have to explain or justify myself or my actions to anyone. A private time of introspection wearing the beloved old track pants, undies or nothing.

Alcohol is the cause of great pain but for many such as myself it is a tonic that eases the pain and stress of a world we can’t keep up with. It allows us to relive those glorious moments from the past, plan a perfect future or just take time out to enjoy our small part of the world in peace and harmony. On these occasions, alcohol is for medicinal purposes only.


Please note: It is accepted that some of the opinions expressed in this article do represent the prejudices of some echelons of society who fail to see the connection between wine and wino.

©Suu 2010