For Medicinal Purposes Only

There is a well worn joke about imbibing alcohol for medicinal purposes only. This is usually acknowledged with a smile, wink and nudge and the consuming of a great deal of ‘medicine’.

As someone who’s health ebbs and flows, I believe that alcohol is a medicine, not as a curative, but as a tonic.

Two to three glasses of alcohol can very effectively remove the thin veneer donned to make those around us feel comfortable. As the burden of the need for social acceptance is lifted, so too is the guarded weight on our tongue. Buoyant, we are then able to relax and be ourselves, as ugly and horrible as that may be, but we are not alone. Like attracts like, and we soon find ourselves amid other socially nude like minded spirits, no pun intended.

Alcohol removes the blinkers and allows us to see that the people we try to emulate are really anally retentive and so deserve to be the butt of many jokes. Jokes result in laughter, laughter releases endorphins and endorphins are extremely good for our health and well being. So those that remain sober do not get to benefit from this powerfully, energising rush of little endorphs sweeping doom and gloom before them, leaving silly smiles of bonhomie on flushed faces.

As a tonic, alcohol is extremely good at cleansing. Doctors use it for sterilising, so it does have AMA approval. However it is in the cleansing of bullshit from one’s mouth that alcohol has no other peer. Verbal diarrhoea allows us to rid ourselves of lies, exaggerations and fantasies which tend to fester into incurable aberrations if not expelled regularly.

The gregarious sounds of the aforementioned verbiage, while therapeutic to the body, has a well known side affect. One unknowingly enters a competition. Bullshit Artist of the Night. The subtlety of the contest, is that you only become aware of your active participation through bagging from fellow contestants or, an argument with your partner. There is always some confusion in the following days, as all participants memories are distorted and have little in common with what you know transpired. It should be noted that beer is the drink that works best on these occasions.

I personally prefer to consume wine in quiet solitude. It is at this time one can truly appreciate the uniqueness of the ministering effect of wine or spirits. While I am loath to suggest that wine and spirits attract a more educated drinker (Methylated spirits excluded), there are few beer connoisseurs of note.

The aeration of beer, as seen in the froth, causes the alcohol to slosh around the brain in an agitating motion, affecting nerve ends and brain cells randomly. This results in the drinker becoming proportionally more incoherent with the amount of beer consumed. Some Champagnes have the same affect.

Wine and spirits on the other hand, are more full bodied, smoother and there have been incidents where inhalation was as equally effective as a small sip. The alcohol in these drinks, caresses the brain into a relaxing state. So slow does the alcohol pass over the brains surface, osmosis takes place providing a liquid artery to the deep recesses of the mind. Here a miracle takes place. Through that thin trickle, dormant ideas and thoughts rise to the surface.

Sitting alone with glass in hand, the astute drinker will find they now have access to previously untapped information. In the right environment and the appropriate amount of alcohol, it is possible to solve all the world’s problems with a simplicity that defies logic. The cerebral level at which we assess our past and our future is enlightening, and many plans are made. It is important at this time to record these thoughts and plans.

When asleep, the brain is active with REM, dreams and reacting to bouts of apnoea. Such activities cause dehydration, and without the continued intake of the alcohol to offset this drying out process, the brain shrinks and tightens. In a bid to protect itself, the brain shuts off the links established the previous evening. Leaving you to waken with no memory of the deep and meaningful thoughts that confirmed your true potential as problem solver extraordinaire.

Beer drinkers find that by getting back into the elbow bending, they can quickly regain their own state of personal notoriety.

More discerning drinkers cannot be so casual in trying to regain the heady level of omnipotence. Unfortunately, when the alcoholic links bring our deepest thoughts to the surface for our contemplative study, they cannot be returned. So it is that after years of such mind searching, that it takes an increasing amount of alcohol to reach further in search of the proportionately increasingly elusive ideas

However, there are side effects to most things. With food it is calories or allergies and with fitness it is tanning lotions and cardiac arrest. With aging it is more wrinkles, stomach, flatulence and grumpiness, and less tolerance, ability and memory.

There is no argument that the consumption of alcohol can cause negative behavioural changes, increase our perception of our own invincibility and erase brain cells. While the latter may make us eligible for the invalid pension it is the least of my worries. The world is a mess and getting worse. I am not drinking more to escape the realities of that world, nor am I drinking less to be able to deal with those realities.

When quietly contemplating life in the comfort of my home with a nice wine (it takes a little longer with a not so nice one), I enjoy the moment of NOW. It is a time when I don’t have to explain or justify myself or my actions to anyone. A private time of introspection wearing the beloved old track pants, undies or nothing.

Alcohol is the cause of great pain but for many such as myself it is a tonic that eases the pain and stress of a world we can’t keep up with. It allows us to relive those glorious moments from the past, plan a perfect future or just take time out to enjoy our small part of the world in peace and harmony. On these occasions, alcohol is for medicinal purposes only.


Please note: It is accepted that some of the opinions expressed in this article do represent the prejudices of some echelons of society who fail to see the connection between wine and wino.

©Suu 2010