Dealing with Grief

There can be no right or wrong way to deal with grief. As individuals we express ourselves differently. If a loved one is moving far away, whether you like the decision or not, it cannot be changed. You will miss their company and be sad at the time of their departure and at other times such as birthdays. But you get on with your own life. You would keep in contact and you would hope to see them again.

Death is no different. A loved one moves on, you express your sadness at the loss of their companionship and there will be times cherished memories will rise and you will give thanks for their life and it's affect on you. As a statement of your love or, at least out of respect, you should live your life fully and lovingly knowing that is what they would want.

When people die, the pain and suffering goes, so all they are leaving is love. The love they gave and the love you have for them.

Why do some people believe that the amount of pain and suffering they express is representative of the love they feel?

Whether you believe that death is final and there is nothing more or believe in heaven or spirits, surely it is better to celebrate the memory of the departed with gratitude for their influence and existence. The only pain and suffering is that of those who grieve. Is that really how you want to show your sense of loss or to express your love? Shouldn’t a life that was positive, be celebrated positively. Tears of joy or laughter at the memories of a life shared with us for a short time.

My nana suffered greatly from cancer and fought death all the way, extending her life, not for her family, but because she needed to come to terms with her previously non- existent religious beliefs. Every day I would sit with her, and discuss death from every possible point of view. It was her choice of subject and I was happy to be able to do anything for her, even discuss what I wanted least. She was a practical woman who had been a bit racy in her younger days and she refused to ask for forgiveness for what she called the ‘best damn days of my life’. Those many days taught me a lot about the strength of the human spirit, the weakness of the human body and the power of a human’s ability to love. So, what did I learn about death from my darling kindred spirit?

I learnt that the best way to deal with loss and grief is - honestly.

Be honest to yourself in recognising the truth of the situation, not what we want it to be.

Be honest in expressing your pain, anger, sense of loss. Grieving is allowed but self pity isn't.

Be honest in accepting that the loss is yours not theirs, for they are at peace.

Be honest in recognising you have a responsibility to that person to live your life to the fullest and happily.

Be honest to acknowledge that their death does not take away the good memories that made you cherish them and make you smile.

Be honest and remember, they are gone but you still have many people left who need your love, time and happiness.

The lesson was not to let grief stop you from enjoying your time with those that love you because your grief is their grief. Children will see how death affects you and learn. Life will bring your children their own lessons and your strength and wisdom in celebrating the life of those passed will give them strength when your passing comes.